when you and your partner can’t seem to agree on a particular topic, whether it’s who does the chores or how you discipline your children, it can become a lasting point of contention in your relationship. oftentimes, disagreements bring partners’ vulnerabilities to the surface, perel said, and that can cause them to react in a defensive way that makes it nearly impossible to solve the issue at hand.
she gave the example of a couple who can’t agree on who does which chores, and constantly asks the other partner, ‘why is it my job to do that?’ once you and your partner understand that the goal is to understand where the other person is coming from rather than prove you’re right, “it changes the entire communication,” perel said. if you notice yourself get angry or upset over a particular issue, perel suggested thinking about why you feel so attacked in that particular scenario, and relaying that to your partner.
one person wants to relocate for a dream job, and the other spouse can’t imagine leaving their friends and family. or, one spouse wants to grow the family, but her partner is feeling overwhelmed with their toddler. unlike deciding who empties the dishwasher, or even, whether to send the kids to public or private school, these decisions have the power to alter the trajectory of your relationship and your life. in addition, if you move down one path without both partners being on board, it is likely to cause a lot of resentment. it is no surprise that couples facing these dilemmas get caught in a tug of war, with both people digging in their heels and fighting to drag their partner over to their side. remind yourself that being open to your partner’s point of view does not mean that you will both head down that path. instead, if you reach across the table and attempt to understand their perspective, it is likely that your spouse will soften in his/her stance, and you might be able to find a solution that works for both of you. it can also be helpful to identify your personal barriers to understanding your partner’s perspective.
refusing to move won’t change the fact that as a couple your decision-making is unbalanced. take this time to talk to your partner about your underlying concerns. even though it’s tempting, try not to let the stalemate represent your entire relationship – this is just a snapshot of your lives together. you might also notice that all conversations and interactions seem to devolve into making a decision about the “all or nothing” issue. perhaps during couples counseling or at home– and enjoy the rest of your time together, without worrying about finding a solution to your dilemma. have you ever been in a relationship stalemate? any advice for couples struggling to find common ground? “the first time i met lindsey, i felt like i was talking to a friend i’d known for years.
try to explain to your partner why you’re feeling defensive about the issue if you notice yourself get angry or upset over a particular issue, even though it’s tempting, try not to let the stalemate represent your entire relationship – this is just a snapshot of your lives together. you might also shift yourself away from thoughts that your partner is being “stubborn,” “bull-headed,” “narrow-minded,” etc. this sort of name-calling– even if it’s only in, stalemate marriage, stalemate marriage, stalemate synonym, stages in a relationship, power struggle in relationship.
reacting to a partner’s concerns with respect, kindness, and compassion is critical. it leaves a partner feeling valued, despite differing points of view. this creating a list of attributes a mate or lover should have is not outlining a soulmate, it’s closer to an egomate than anything else, and it’s bound for failure. so, you’ve been dating someone for a little while now, maybe three months, maybe six, maybe even a year and while things were great at first, .
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