i’d gone out with friends earlier in the night but when i arrived home, i found my mother in tears. as a teenager, i assumed that my friends’ parents all had good relationships, and that my parents were the only ones struggling to get along. my parents’ relationship actually followed a path of missteps that i commonly see in couples on the brink of divorce. there is also an unconscious polarization that happens when each spouse thinks the other needs to change to be more like them. my mother spoke to her friends and my siblings and me about her marriage woes, but never directly to my father; the one who held the keys to changes she desired. partners also need to ask a lot more questions of their mate and not assume they know more than they do. when married couples become like the proverbial two ships passing in the night, or it becomes apparent that they don’t like each other, the hill to climb toward reconnection becomes much steeper.
yet, i’ve seen miraculous changes when couples are brave enough to revisit and recover. i’ve actually even seen people have kids at this point in their relationship as a way to escape the problems—i don’t recommend this! you don’t have to wait until there’s a crisis or things are unbearable to get help. for those who have three or more of these problems, i encourage you to find a therapist who can help you sort things out. even when i’ve met with couples that realize their marriage is no longer salvageable, counseling has given them a sense of resolution that they did all they could to make things work. susan pease gadoua, l.c.s.w., is a licensed therapist based in the san francisco bay area with an expertise in marriage and divorce. she is the author of the san francisco chronicle best-seller, contemplating divorce, a step-by-step guide to deciding whether to stay or go, the parenting marriage workbook and co-author of the new i do.
1. make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements. this includes the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear solution: discuss boundaries. let your partner know if you want a night out with your friends every two weeks. explain the concept of boundaries try a two-prong approach. “step one is understanding their history,” says stephenson. “what did sex and intimacy look like before it changed for, top marriage problems and solutions, top marriage problems and solutions, problems of marriage, questions about marriage problems, 10 years of marriage problems.
‘i work with couples about to divorce, here are their top 5 problems’ 1. they work against each other, not with each other. 2. they don’t, common marriage problems after 20 years, causes and effects of marital problems. 10 top strategies for solving marital problemsrecognize when you’re in a gridlock. express yourself constructively. break the curse of familiarity. make decisions together. acknowledge your spouse’s feelings. understand that it’s not a competition. keep a positive attitude. give your partner space.
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