private gym review

it’s an uncomfortable topic, but an important one when you’re hopelessly flopping around on top of your loved one—relentlessly pushing rope. it’s called the private gym and, in layman’s terms, they’re dumbbells for your dong. developed by america’s leading urologists, physiotherapists, and sexual health educators, this fda-approved system puts men on an eight-week course that has them literally lift weights with their penises to achieve the maximum amount of strength. you’re supposed to work up to the extra weights over the course of two months. i spent one tuesday. you know, the same kind of clench you did as a kid when you were trying to make your penis look like it’s possessed by satan. wait, you didn’t do this too? one needs to be in an erect state for this thing to stay on and i’ll tell you what, it’s not easy to think sexy thoughts alone in your room with your pants around your ankles and david bowie blasting in the background to mask any accidental moans or grunts.




i understood what i was doing with the idea that the pelvic floor is like any other muscle in the body…it needs constant attention and exercise if it’s to grow. it made more sense once i got into the swing of things. the sound of the orange weight slipping off and hitting the ground even cut through david bowie’s 1983 hit, “china girl.” i quit after only, like, 30 minutes, but it felt like i had just spent the night in an 1890s london brothel. throw it in, then!” “there is a very significant decline in function of every single muscle group as you age,” says dr. siegel. there is a distinct trend as you age and our goal is to try to basically change that—nip this in the bud before it becomes an issue. if i ever grow the attention span or ability to commit to anything for more than an hour, i’m hitting up this private gym. it’s cheap, easy, and you don’t have to do it around other sweaty dudes…unless you want to.

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