katrina: a lot of people right now are beginning to see a shift in the definition of what it means to be in a relationship, and that definition is no longer contingent upon monogamy. ‘monogamous’ is yet another mold i don’t fit into, and its one that i’ve been trained to see as wrong, immoral and just plain “unnatural.” and if you do do it i, you’ve gotta be a gay man, because they’re the only ones who can get away with it. and it’s okay to stay in the ‘box’ if that’s what makes you happy. because when it comes down to it, it’s nothing more than another interpretation of what a relationship could be like; it’s just another way to deviate from the norm – and we all know what that’s like, don’t we? but maybe it’s not because monogamy is the only way that works, but because there are an infinite amount of ways for relationships to succeed or fail or rework themselves before it’s right. i will think about this and be back once my brain does stuff as someone whose been practicing non-monogamy for a few years i find that one of the first responses i get from people is questions. i find it hard to sustain the same intensity of any relationship over time (platonic or romantic), and find that as time goes on, people change, but that doesn’t mean you need to dump them and call it a day. the trust is based on communication and honesty: “sweetheart, i want to fuck that person and i’m not going to lie to you about it. – don’t arise solely because of being in a monogamous, and the “laziness” that clm2003 is referring to might be that opening a relationship isn’t a one-stop fix-all for relationship problems. i wanted to offer a perspective on what clm2003 wrote, “sex is intimate and should not be shared with anyone but the one you love.” implicit in your statement is the assumption that everyone can only love one person. what it means for someone to be faithful (or unfaithful) to a person changes from person to person and i think what katrina & lauren mean is that being monogamous and being faithful aren’t necessarily the same thing to everyone. if i’d tried to squish who i was into a monogamous mold we would all have missed out on a lot of happiness (and a lot of tears) and i think i would be a lot poorer for it. i think your story is a good example of this idea that hey, you fall crazy in love with someone(s) and things change because that’s the only things that’s certain. and on the final note: i would like to start a poly harem with darlene, cassandra, and eversayingnever, because *swoon! and that brings me to the question of if you are poly and dating someone who is not and they aren’t interested in that are you going to try to guilt-trip them into feeling bad about themselves for not being as “enlightened” as you are? given that the whole point of poly relationships is that they take a lot of communication and consideration to work, no i don’t think someone’s going to date you for months and then be like “by the way i’ve been poly this whole time!! and in my second post i said that i was asking out of curiousity not to be bitchy about it yet i here i am being bitched at for asking so nevermind. a lot of women (especially in the sf bay area) were into this and i thought it would be a way to have that one deep relationship and also be able to not deny attractions to other women. i’d love to see the world as a tangled web of present ralitonships and not free-standing pairings. but i think not knowing you have the option to do /otherwise/ than share your body with one person at a time or for life, or being shamed or judged for so doing, is patriarchal, which is why posts like this are important. (always get your arrangements in writing and stick to them, keep the courts out of it at all turns) like any divorce, it is hard on the kids. i will unilaterally decide that it’s fair game for me to construct arcane socio-politcal analyses to attract the attention of women on the internet, since i enjoy witnessing my girlfriend get flirted with in person. it’s a dialogue about an issue that often gets brushed under the carpet, and that people are trying to brush under the carpet in these comments right now! i’m too lazy to read this, could someone just summarize it for me and let me know where i have to be and who’s taking me there this is a side note, but i think i’d really like for there to be a couples photo shoot where we have a fancy tea party and are teh gay. while i don’t think anyone has been so unkind as to really “knock” monogamy, it does feel like a lot of assumptions about monogamous relationships are being made.
at the time, i had just entered into a relationship with my now wife, and we had lots of pressure on us to partake in polyamory. i used to be one of those preachers too: monogamy and self-control and don’t you ever think about cheating. i guess i just described the lesbian feminist movement of the 70s/80s when the feminists said being a lesbian was the only way to break the patriarchal mode and be a real feminist. i wanted to post a response immediately but it felt kinda weird because this is in an area of the site labeled personal. knowing yourself and being in control of what you want sexually and with a partner whether it be monogamous, polygamous, open, w/e to me is sexual freedom/honesty. and i agree that there is a way that it could have been handled better. i find “non-monogamous” to be a better term for me personally because it’s truly what i am – and the problem with polyamorous is the flexibility of the word; much like “feminist” has come to mean too many things to too many people. i think from that point forward, it boils down to what an individual is capable of w/r/t something being purely physical and nothing more. it’s good to see it from a human perspective and not some text in a book that i can’t figure out how to apply to my daily life. sorry for the delay in my commenting…just to catch you up, i said that i felt polyamory was a lazy way of having relationships. i would assume that most people on this site have experienced the search for community and the feeling of ‘otherness’ at some point in their lives. that’s not to say i don’t imagine the pros and cons of such a situation, because i can entertain the idea as a mental exercise. for the second time in a week i must now also proclaim: yay for sentences that start with a conjunction. what i meant to say is, it’s just an article, not a giant arm reaching out through cyberspace to the insides of your brain to change your thoughts and subsequent actions. i’m trying not to lose touch with the girl i thought you were but it’s difficult. the whole concept is pretty ideal and it makes sense to a certain extent but i just personally wouldn’t be able to handle it. it’s like the idea of relationships opening and closing; polyamory is not a ‘solution’ to monogamy, nor do the two have to exist in opposition to one another. but i think it’s up to first define it for ourselves and then to define it with our partners and then to create a solid relationship around what you, together, feel that to be. sort of off topic but i hope for a future where we can be implanted with chips that are activated when we are near someone who subscribes to the same sort of relationship philosophy. i don’t like sharing, and nothing short of mind-altering drugs or a head injury will change that or make me like domino’s pizza or equines. polyamory takes a lot of good old-fashioned hard work, but my partner & i have also found it to be well worth the effort. i think one thing that often happens is we lose sight of the function of monogamy and polyamory, what are they? on the other hand i am an extremely loving person and feel like i have a lot to share with others. i’m poly, and i think that jealousy can happen in all types of relationships. i definitely don’t think that there is inherently more communication in poly relationships, but i think communication across the board with regard to boundaries and relationships tends to be better.
we read some books about opening up a relationship and we feel like we could make an open marriage work. only your wife can force you to get a divorce, shrinks, and you’re still married. even if your wife had come out as bisexual, shrinks, that doesn’t mean you hit the pussy lottery and you’re going to be having a lot of threesomes now.
the relationship is rather new and we are still getting to know each other, but we have grown very close. i have tried reassuring him and prolonging foreplay, and we have an open dialogue over what we like sexually, all to no avail. take the pressure off his dick and his dick is likelier to come through. but because i have more time on my hands and a proclivity for fantasizing, i have started to resent the fact that we always follow his schedule.
it seems that a lot of lesbians think about open relationships like this, because they’ve either done it or seen others do it. i’ve been in an open relationship for over five years. i don’t think it’s weird at all and i can respect people who choose to practice monogamy do open relationships work in the lesbian world? sometimes they do, and sometimes they do not. it is the same with gay men and straight, .
are you and your partner considering an open relationship? however, people who identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual were slightly more hello! i am a heterosexual man! my wife came out as a lesbian after 30 years of marriage. we have children together and we love each other. this can mean a variety of things, from open relationships to having threesomes, from being comfortable with letting your partner kiss someone, .
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