she has offered to be monogamous with me, or to find a way for us to separate as painlessly as possible. i am a fortysomething man in a long-term relationship â nearly 20 years â and have two children. these were clandestine, but more recently she has stopped hiding, called our relationship âopenâ, and currently has a lover who i do know about. we get on, communicate well (other than the no-go zone of her other love life), rarely argue, are bonded by bringing up our children and are financially tied together. however, the years of suppressing my emotions â of jealousy, rejection, insecurity, being lied to â have left me broken. we had frank talks when she offered to end her extramarital affairs and be monogamous with me â or plan how we might separate without affecting our children. but it has occurred to me that i am emotionally and sexually broken after this past decade.
if i was single again â or my partner was to become monogamous with me again â i donât think i would be a viable person to be in a relationship with. in the past, you have been enormously accommodating â more than you really wanted to be â and that has left you with residual resentment. it is highly likely that, if you stand your ground about the things that upset you â everything that gives you a sense that the unspoken contract between you is an unfair one â and ask specifically for the changes you need, you will elicit better behaviour and more appreciation, respect and even sexual interest from her. a restoration of the power balance between you should have the further effect of increasing the erotic connection between you. then you will be in a better position to decide what you truly want and make the larger decisions. each week, pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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