i am responsible for ensuring that i am a whole person, that i have a healthy sense of self-identity, and that i can meet my own needs and self-esteem from within. people in a relationship that is healthy can think independently and are willing and able to articulate their wants and needs to partners. a cornerstone of compromise is finding solutions that are agreeable to both partners, and healthy relationships are marked by an ability to consider situations from a partner’s side of things. even in a strong and healthy relationship, you are not going to agree on everything—and you don’t have to! loving detachment means we believe our partners have the ability to take care of themselves and their lives on their own.
the idea of “love at first sight” is romantic, and we may want to believe in it, but in reality, that’s just not the case. so, whether our experiences with our parents are positive or negative or a little of both, we often are drawn to similarities in the partners we choose. when discussing healthy love with the people i work with, i make it clear that i believe a healthy relationship with the self is necessary to have a healthy relationship with others. if you would like to explore any of these areas, on your own or with a partner, a compassionate counselor can offer guidance and support. healthy love starts with a solid sense of a completed self (or at least as close as we can get).
there are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. and since valentine’s day is upon us, i thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in pathological love relationshipsâthat attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling. people write all the time and say ‘when are you going to write how to spot a healthy partner because with as many bad relationships that i’ve been in, i can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.’ the opposite of healthy love is what we often call ‘toxic’ love. here is a short list of the characteristics of love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of melody beattie & terence gorski). toxic loveâsecurity, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness). 4. loveâencouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth. toxic loveâpreoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing. toxic loveâjealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”
6. loveâcompromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. 8. loveârelationship deals with all aspects of reality. toxic loveârelationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. toxic loveâexpectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. toxic loveâfusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings). toxic loveâpressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. there is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you are probably in a pathological love relationship because the end result of these relationships is ‘inevitable harm.’ if we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. there are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma.
in other words, healthy love means we are responsible for our own happiness. i am not responsible for my partner’s happiness. i am responsible in a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can share the full truth about your life and feelings with each other – you will never have to hide things. but what about real love, healthy love? 1. love—development of self first priority. 2. love—room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. 3, .
healthy love is supportive, empathic, encouraging, and authentic. you know you’re experiencing healthy love when you can be completely yourself. healthy love allows you to feel listened to and understood. however, in healthy love, each individual maintains a sense of self. she or he may give to the partner but never expect to have to give more the difference between healthy love vs unhealthy love and what they mean in our relationships. what kind of relationship are you in?, .
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