but honesty is like a muscle, and you need to practice. brown-james also suggests trying rituals that remind you that your body is capable of pleasure, and it doesn’t have to be sexual pleasure, either. overall, she recommends trying to think ahead about what you might be using, and pack accordingly. skurtu suggests taking this preparation step a bit further and discussing with your new partner when each of you were last tested for stis. if things are getting hot and heavy and you notice yourself feeling a bit distracted and out of the moment, you can ask to take a break and start up again later.
if you’re someone who struggles with giving direction in bed, turning to your past is a good place to start generating the right words to use. and say it with a big smile so you also nonverbally communicate to your partner you are being genuine and playful,” skurtu says. she says awkward moments can become flirtatious moments when we let go of the expectation that sex has to be perfect. if you want to delve further, brown-james explains that you can go out of your way to make sure a partner pays special attention to the parts of your body you’re insecure about. as she puts it, de-centering the orgasm can lead to “an increase in pleasure and a decrease in pressure.” she also explains that it’s no one’s job to give you an orgasm; it’s your job to help facilitate your own pleasure. you just need to be coachable and willing to share what you like as you go along,” skurtu says.
it doesn’t need to be perfect – and it probably won’t be. neither of you will know what the other really, really likes… it’ll get better over time, and 1: if you know you’re probably going to sleep together for the first time, hold back on the alcohol. even if you think it’ll give you courage, it’ll just make you more nervous and (for her as well as him) less able to perform. 3: make undressing a big deal – seeing each other naked for the first time should be special. the only thing not to do is undress in the bathroom and slink back to bed under cover of darkness: stand proud. a massage is a good starter, and gives you both a chance to be naked together without committing to sex; if you change your minds it’s possible to end it there without embarrassment.
discover each other’s sensitive points by simply stroking all over – if your partner gives a sharp intake of breath go back and repeat the move to check it’s having the desired effect. so go slowly towards her genitals in particular – and don’t assume that either of you is happy to give oral sex; let them offer rather than making a demand. if she’s not at ease with showing herself by being on top, then use the missionary position – but let her reach down and use her hand to ease him in at a rate that feels good to her. 8: always, always, always take a moment after penetration to make emotional contact – gazing into each other’s eyes, an intimate kiss or two, a few words just to register the moment. so if he senses she’s not going to orgasm through penetration, then check out (“do you mind if i come first?”) and go for it. then, offer to pleasure her in whatever way she likes – or hold her while she brings herself off. this first time, what both of you need to know is that you still like each other – and that you’re grateful for what just happened.
don’t go into the first time with someone new if you’re not ready. ask yourself if you are comfortable and if there is any doubt, it is perfectly ok to wait. 8: always, always, always take a moment after penetration to make emotional contact – gazing into each other’s eyes, an intimate kiss or two, a few words just if you’re together during the day, do a lot of touching and kissing to prime your bodies for more touch and to create anticipation (in a good, sleeping with someone new after a long-term relationship, what to do on your first night with your new boyfriend, intimacy with new partner, intimacy with new partner, things to do when you visit your boyfriend for the first time.
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