and somehow the spouses of twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters. please help my husband and i decide on dinner. my husband and i now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides. i had to fart in the pool but everyone would know it was me so my husband blew bubbles and that, my friends, is my love language my wife said “your wonderful” in a text to me. i replied “no, you’re wonderful”.
when people‘s names were being called during my husband‘s graduation ceremony today family members were yelling out things like “that’s my brother” and “that’s my daughter!” so my smart ass yelled when skylar‘s name was read “that’s my pool boy!” and no one laughed. my wife hates talking on the phone. she went in, picked it up,answered it, hung up, and texted me: “found it, thanks.” of course i put a lot of effort into my marriage because it takes a lot of effort to ignore the fact that i married someone who likes to squeeze the toothpaste tube wrong. i’m so married i asked my wife if i could help and she said i could help by not asking if i could help for the rest of the night. my husband puts chicken & grape salad on corn tortillas, and i don’t even know who i married. tomorrow my wife and i are installing the underground dog fence.
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