dealing with partners anger

the biggest challenge of living with a resentful or angry person is to keep from becoming one yourself—or else, the high contagion and reactivity of resentment and anger are likely to make you into someone you are not. as a result, they are likely to feel attacked by any attempt to point out the ways in which they are unfair, much less the effects of their behavior or others. the resentful or angry have conditioned themselves to pin the cause of their emotional states on someone else, thereby becoming powerless over self-regulation. instead, they use the shot of adrenaline-driven energy and confidence that comes with resentment and anger in the same way that many of us are conditioned to make a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. your resentful or angry partner is likely to blame you for the problems of the relationship—if not life in general—and, therefore, will not be highly motivated to change. in the adrenaline rush of even low-grade anger, everyone feels entitled and more important than those who have stimulated their anger.

the tendency of the angry and resentful to attribute malevolence, incompetence, or inadequacy to those who disagree with them makes negotiation extremely difficult. you can easily get stuck in a pendulum of pain when living with a resentful or angry person. in demanding change from your partner, your emotional demeanor is more important than the words you use, and it must stem from the deep conviction that he or she will not recover without learning to sustain compassion. approach him or her with compassion, and say, in your own words, something like: “neither of us is being the partner we want to be. because your partner cannot recover without developing greater compassion, the most compassionate thing for you to do is insist that he or she treat you with the value and respect you deserve, if you are to stay in the relationship. there are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma.

when you are in an intimate relationship with an angry wife or an angry husband, a lot of wisdom is required in order to keep the relationship at a reasonably functional level. admittedly this may not be easy to do, especially when your angry spouse is lashing out at you, but the calmer you can remain, the quicker your partner will get over his or her outburst. if you add fuel to the existing fire it will just burn on for longer, and the damage left in its wake will be that much more hurtful. the sharp contrast of your calm, peaceful, and mature attitude may help your partner realize how badly he or she is behaving and in turn, help you understand how to handle a spouse with rage. if you are living with an angry husband and they have mouthed off and offended one of your friends or family members, do you quietly go to the person afterward and ‘explain’ why your partner didn’t really mean what they said and that they are really not that bad? if you keep on doing this kind of thing, your partner will not be able to learn to take the full brunt of the consequences caused by their anger in marriage.

if you take the disrespect and abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting your angry partner believe that it is okay. it’s not, and it’s up to you to make that clear. if being with your angry partner is starting to get to you and you feel overwhelmed and hopeless at times, please get some help. if your angry partner acknowledges that they have a problem and they are willing to get help and work on their anger issues, then there is hope, like a light at the end of a dark tunnel. one of the grave dangers of having an angry partner is that you too become an angry person. as you consistently and patiently express your emotions in a mature and healthy way, you will help your partner learn to do the same.

shakyamuni (also known as siddhartha gautama) said, “do not return anger with anger; instead, control your emotions. four things stop angry partners from changing: victim identity, conditioned blame, temporary narcissism, and negative attributions. everyone deserves relationships free from domestic violence. when you’re ready, we’re here to listen with confidential support 24/7/365., .

not sure how to control anger and frustration in a relationship? this article outlines ten do’s and don’ts to help you deal with an angry when your partner experiences a lot of anger, it can be tough to deal with—especially if that anger is directed at you. if you don’t have the skills to deal when angry feelings are expressed in a negative way, it can undermine your own wellbeing, weaken your relationship, and leave you feeling frustrated and unheard, .

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