brene brown relationship advice

it’s an extension of her 2010 tedx talk on the power of vulnerability that’s still one of the most watched ted talks ever, with more than 45 million views. in a chat with tim ferris on his podcast, the 45-year-old explains how the 80/20 “hack” has helped maintain her marriage for the last 25 years – the hardest thing she’s ever done. “it’s never 50/50—ever.” instead of the unrealistic expectation to match each other’s energy, kindness, investment and patience, the pair are just brutally honest about where they’re at on a day-to-day basis and will do their best to make up for one another.

during the times when they’re less than 100 combined, they sit down together and work out a plan of kindness towards each other. could it be the empowered alt to mainstream porn? after a particularly nasty break-up, amy grier found that working on her physical strength helped rebuild her mental reserves.

what do you do when you have dr. john gottman and dr. julie gottman on your podcast, and you’re looking at them on zoom and you’re coming off of the most difficult season of a 30-plus year relationship? bb: basically, they can watch you get in a fight with your partner and within the first three minutes predict whether you stay together or you don’t. i have to start by saying, i’m a little nervous and i’m always anticipatory and excited, but this crosses over into—i’m kind of nervous to talk to y’all. [chuckle] and so i just stood there, and i was going to a party with my mother, and john came over to me and he asked me if he could buy me a cup of coffee. ok, so you’re a smoking-hot bolshevik at the coffee shop, john— john gottman: well, my story is that i was starting a job as a professor at the university of washington, and school started in october, so i arrived in seattle in may. and wait, you have to hear the proposal. but every night, we talked about john’s research and what he was finding in the lab, and it was so fascinating to me that i couldn’t help myself. and then john also had been invited—was that to the university of chicago? we had to make sure that what we were offering to couples made sense, but one of the reasons we knew it probably would make sense, these interventions would work, is that they were not based on john and me. it was really the combination of a scientist and a clinician that made this work. i want to see if we can talk about the four horsemen and their antidotes in a context of the pandemic. tell me more about how i can change to make you happy.” john gottman: and instead, they get defensiveness, and the partner saying, “you’re not so perfect, either. john gottman: but all of that takes place within the context of shared humor, accepting your partner as they are, reassuring them that everything is ok. so the masters are doing a lot more because they’re friends, because they’re close to each other, and because they built something together. i have to tell you that i am so stuck on this moment. just the way their friendship is, and it’s really the lack of interest in one another that when couples are talking about how their day went that predicts how they deal with a conflict. bb: so when i look at these—isn’t it incredible to have given birth and then even more life, for both of you, to something—i mean, this changes the world. i think all of us are feeling that way, and as a result, we’re becoming over controlling to try and have control over what is in our little tiny hovel.

so steve’s a pediatrician, and so that’s been doubly hard for us, because i think he should have all epidemiological answers and cures to what’s happening with the pandemic. so anger doesn’t hurt a relationship, but it’s the contempt and the criticism that hurts the relationship. and is that protective, that culture of appreciation in a couple and a family? you’re putting deposits in that bank account, and the deposits can be really small. so i think it’s the case that there are no master couples that didn’t work on their friendship, didn’t have a close friendship. so sometimes when i talk i use a tone of voice that is really definite and authoritarian and that makes you angry, is that right?” “yes,” she says. did you not notice?” so it’s really important to keep in touch with each other by asking each other questions and continually understanding who our partner is evolving to be. i’m turning 70 this year, and one of the things that i’m known for is being idiotic when it comes to energy. it’s the complete opposite of what i grew up with, and it’s been very, very healing. bb: so what if you’re in that place, julie, and you’re in the lizard brain, your prefrontal cortex is offline, and you just keep getting pushed and pushed and pushed? you come back at the time that you designated earlier, and you’ll come back even if you’re not calm yet in order to ask for more time. julie gottman: yes, but let me also say that we’ve seen a ton of couples who have horrible, horrible, horrible fights, horrible conflicts, and what is really, really helpful is at a time when you’re not in the middle of a fight, you sit your partner down and you say, “george, i want to tell you that i need something different when we get into horrible fights. and listened to those first songs in the 60s. john gottman: this is a picture i took of julie holding our daughter when she was about 3 months old, and she’s looking in the mirror and i’m standing behind her, and i took—i’m not a very good photographer, but this picture captured the love that julie had for our daughter, moriah. you are sharing corners of your life with us, and i feel so honored and privileged to be here with you, so i’m very grateful for that. i’m a conscientious objector against war, and i love the equation in the beatles song: “in the end, the love you take is equal to love you make.” so i’m a mathematician, too, and i love to see an equation like that. easy to find, all the links and referrals that you need. /podcast/brene-with-drs-john-and-julie-gottman-on-what-makes-love-last/ brené brown education and research group, llc, owns the copyright in and to all content in and transcripts of the unlocking us and dare to lead podcasts, with all rights reserved, including right of publicity.

“marriage isn’t something that’s 50/50; a partnership works when you can carry their 20 per cent, and they can carry your 20 per cent, and when you both just drs. julie and john gottman talked to us about relationships, partnerships, couplehood—they’re the experts. they have 40 years of breakthrough tough conversations. if someone isn’t blowing your hair back, be honest. have the conversation. don’t avoid it for fear of hurting someone — you do more damage, bren brown wife cancer, bren brown wife cancer, brene brown 80/20, brené brown wife, is brené brown still married.

u201ceveryone says marriage should be 50/50; it’s the biggest crock of bull sh** i’ve ever heard. it’s never 50/50u2014ever.u201d this is a quote from social scientist brenxe9 brown who says her 32-year relationship with her husband steve, who she shares two kids with, is the hardest thing she’s ever done, hands down. brown speaks of the u201cwholeheartedu201d individuals who engage their lives from a place of worthiness. they cultivate courage, compassion, and connection. as i push myself to be more vulnerable and expose more of myself in my relationship, i am also noticing more moments of anxiety as i wonder what brené brown, vulnerability, and the key to dating success 1) accept that you’re worthy 2) when feeling vulnerable, exposed, and uncertain: stop resisting 3) in this couple’s tip, check out these videos of brené brown speaking on empathy, vulnerability, courage, all essential qualities for deep, brené brown marriage quotes, brené brown gottman podcast, brené brown podcast, brené brown love definition, brené brown husband steve, brené brown vulnerability, brené brown first marriage, brené brown on contempt, brené brown breakup, brené brown advice.

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