i knew my husband cared and wanted me to be happy, but he never followed through on what i told him i needed. i know that in many ways i have to be my husband’s caretaker, and i can see god’s hand in this because i’m skilled in the areas my husband is not. if my husband and i had known in the beginning what we know now… it’s not that he wouldn’t, but that he couldn’t. i’m a self-diagnosed autistic woman, married 12 years, and i have spent years learning to be sexual. my husband still cringes when i ask him gently to change his touch, but he finally knows that it is not a complaint. sure, i can long for things to be different, and sometimes i wish that my husband could be more of a mind reader in bed, but i know that he does the best he can and i know that he loves me and that’s more important. the lack of normal interest in my body and sex in general has been something i have grieved for a very long time. i have been married 17 years to my second husband and just discovered he is autistic. when i began to go through menopause i told him that he was going to have to take over in that area because i was exhausted and could not initiate for the time being. and got to the point of “whatever” and i don’t care anymore. i really didn’t want to be in a vehicle that long with him. he hates to communicate, he is rude and aggressive with me when i try to share my feelings or voice a concern. i can imagine working out being a helper in the different aspects of life and marriage but i’m already physically unable to do it when it comes to intimacy. it was not worth it and i went into a severe depression due to the guilt, shame, and regret. i have been married for 17 years and i don’t have a connection with my husband. i have realized that my future dreams of our happy retirement years are never going to happen, so i’ve gone back to school and will be training to become a mft who specializes in helping couples where one partner is on the spectrum. i gave up for the most part long ago and just provided myself for him to have sex with me when he was able, and i lived by satisfying myself. he is extremely literal so i have to speak very carefully because he is on the lookout for logical or other flaws. lois, i can really relate to your comment “his life is the newspaper and his computer”. i think he would be scared to do that, but i would hate to see him get married and his wife not know if there is something like this that will effect their relationship. for a long time, my husband and i tried to keep up with that dream, but it wasn’t working. he is very sensitive to my needs, and puts in the work to make it happen, but that also requires me to communicate with him, and show him what i want/need, often multiple times. but when the truth and shock are exposed and discovered long into your marriage it is necessary to go through a grieving process of what you will never have. there are always places, though, where it feels like i am being asked to draw a rainbow and i have all the colors but blue. i can use purple, or green, but neither is a great substitute for blue and at some point wishing that i had a blue doesn’t make it so. i would love to be part of a private discussion group for wives of men on the spectrum. i recently learned of my husband’s asd but he is closed to testing and denies the situation. i used to be the higher drive spouse pre kids and now i have no drive at all. we used to have such a great time and now it’s so awkward for me because i have no libido. but i feel i have become a shell of what i used to be. i already have told him many times that i had already guessed that this was going to be his diagnosis and i completely want to help and support him in any way i can. i was unaware that aba has been used in a self-serving way and am sad but not surprised to learn this. i don’t leave because of my children and because i feel that it would be like leaving a disabled teenager…..my husband who is forever stuck in that place. and again, i’m in the same situation, of needing my husband to be an active part of my arousal, which he is not fully capable of doing.
i made that discovery in the last year and it has explained a lot of the problems in my marriage, in sexual and non sexual matters. i was shocked to find that i was reading about my husband – he is definitely un-dx aspergers. in my case, my husband wants to make me happy, but he has a really hard time understanding that what i like is different from what he likes/wants. i am glad to see that a discussion is opening on the subject. but we are best friends, and we are family, and i am happy to help him for the rest of my life. i have to own the problem and make the best of it. i completely agree with and am already following your advice here, as my goal in everything sex-related is to build up a healthier, closer, stronger, more intimate, and more mutual marriage. i worked for 10 years in an educational centre for adults on the autistic spectrum, and the thing that was probably hardest for me to learn was the need to be very direct in communication. i often wonder how to help him through the dating process and pray that he can be in a successfully fulfilling marriage. when you first mentioned aba, i was ready to get angry, because what i have heard about it is that it is designed for the comfort of the people around the autistic person, but not for that person themselves. but the way you explained it… i could relate a lot to that, too. i was unaware that aba has been used in a self-serving way and am sad but not surprised to learn this. i never expressed this to her and it would not have been beneficial. jamie, if he is open to the idea, i would encourage you to get the testing, as in our experience, a diagnosis opens doors for getting the help that is needed for him to thrive. the second is that i learned my husband had autism and began applying the strategies to him that i’m using for my children with autism. i would never have had the clarity of mind to even understand that it was abusive. there is zero chance i would have gone to a leader of the church, etc, etc. during that year, i ended up pregnant with our 6th child, because i gave in when he demanded sex, and i was not ready to be pregnant at the time. i think we are heading in a good direction and i do see that he is learning to become more flexible and adaptable; it just takes more energy. i too am in a 17 year marriage where my husband and i just became aware that high functioning autism is a probable diagnosis for him. my husband and i attended a marriage counsellor for a year (pre-diagnosis), and while he seemed to understand the concepts the counsellor talked about, he was rarely able to put them into practice. i also think you have to have a healthy, realistic view of what progress and the rate of progress looks like for your spouse or it is easy to get discouraged and give up on pouring energy into making progress. but like the op, i have felt very frustrated over the years about how it is always me that has to take the initiative for planning much of our shared life. i knew that my husband had an active fantasy life and finally realized that i could not compare, so i reduced the amount of trying to entice him that i did. i have in place some boundaries of what i will and won’t do but my husband seems to be making no effort at all. i thought i must be the problem and found the typical advice that sex is what men need and i needed to be more available. reading this has put me in a different area to explore instead of leaving, but i am resentful, living with someone, not able to show all the emotions has left me physically and emotionally warn out. i know he loves me and is faithful and he’s been good to me but there is barely any physical touch. but had i known in the beginning, it would have saved me from a lot of tears and frustration. then, we started working in the same office, and i noticed more and more how he was unable to read the signs that the conversation was over and to close it out. now, i know he is not capable bc of my experiences and not bc of the little research i’ve made. being a christian woman, i simply made the best of it and have had a full life teaching disabled children. i’ve only just found out after 30 years of struggle that my husband is autistic and he also has alexithymia. he refuses to separate, and i have become a mere shell of my former self. i grieve the loss of that part of life and know that if we could find a path to physical intimacy it would be good for our relationship but i have no clue how to get there.
hubby is a terrific dad. i was his first girlfriend (i’d been in a long term relationship before him) and his friends tell me he was always very awkward around women. when i bring up the lack of physical affection, i get “well, that’s what i was like before you married me.” snuggling next to him on the sofa, only to have him move away and maintain his distance. he also sees a range of health care professionals regularly for this and a severe social anxiety. he has a lot of stress in his life and i don’t want to add to them for what may be petty reasons. as your hubby has said, this is who he is and he has absolutely no interest in changing it, even if he could.
but you need to accept, once and for all that he is not going to change it because he has no interest in doing so. it’s the way he is and is happy to be. i know this is why he is like this. i’d explore that, get all the info you can, for both of you to gain a better understanding, then get some intensive couples therapy. if he is gay, i think you’d find you would be both happier co parenting the kids and finding a life that is what you both want. his nephew has it (brother’s son) and i’ve suspected this diagnosis due to the severe social awkwardness, as well as the inability to touch. hard worker, but because things don’t fit into the realm of what he thinks is ‘normal’ and ‘common sense’, he gets frustrated and leaves. i know he sees me as his rock, as i’m really easy going and pretty happy-go-lucky.
when you are married to someone with autism, you are married to someone with a real we have now been sexless for over 10 years. its probably accurate that your husband is a-sexual or pretty close to. that is who he is. someone will probably jump in asking if he has aspergers because 15 percent of married couples have not had sexual intercourse with their spouse in the last 6 – 12 months. the most common causes of sexless, aspergers and sexless marriage reddit, aspergers and sexless marriage reddit, my husband has aspergers and i want to leave him, does my husband have asperger’s, asperger’s spouse depression.
when a neurotypical woman is married to a man who has the behaviors associated with autism spectrum (asd), several things typically occur. finally, he admitted to problems with erection while inside a partner. went on to explain he dislikes kissing, light touching, saliva, fluids (including semen). aspergers adults and relationship difficulties it is often the man who loses his sexual interest – in fact, women complain about sexless marriages far more, asperger marriage cassandra syndrome, asperger’s and erectile dysfunction, autism ruined my marriage, asperger’s and intimacy, asperger’s relationships arguments, asperger’s marriage divorce rate, my wife has high-functioning autism, asperger’s mother relationship, autism and infidelity, asperger’s in adults relationships.
When you try to get related information on aspergers and sexless marriage, you may look for related areas. aspergers and sexless marriage reddit, my husband has aspergers and i want to leave him, does my husband have asperger’s, asperger’s spouse depression, asperger marriage cassandra syndrome, asperger’s and erectile dysfunction, autism ruined my marriage, asperger’s and intimacy, asperger’s relationships arguments, asperger’s marriage divorce rate, my wife has high-functioning autism, asperger’s mother relationship, autism and infidelity, asperger’s in adults relationships.